It's the Snuggish Ruggish Bone

Wednesday night we celebrated the international players' holiday that is Calisha Jenkins's day of birth. Last weekend we were educating some young bucks, whose blunt we were scheming on natch, about our Ligerbeat mission. It's still pretty new, after all, and we have yet to exhaust the endless appeal of disclosing our status as pornographers to unsuspecting strangers. One guy's reaction was to tell Calisha that she looked "experienced," then offered a sweet "but the lighting's pretty bad in here." Thanks, guy. A few days away from the big two-seven, our poor little bean took this to heart, and was determined to make this the best twenty-seventh birthday she had ever had. Cue the Sex and the City theme music over a crunk beat if you must.

The Japanther and Ninjasonik dudes hit us up about a secret show with Spank Rock at the Chief Mag showspace (a vacant bodega) around the way, so that's where the evening started out.

Yeah, that's a Snuggie and a Budweiser bathing suit. Can we get some sponsorships over here or what?

Next we bounced to Happy Ending for a Ligerbeat-approved set by Dirty Finger and Teen Wolf. See that guy cowering behind his arm, bracing for impending Snuggie hurricane impact? He beefed with us about a bathroom line and said, and I quote, "If this was five years ago, I would break this glass over your fucking head." To which CaLeisure responded by dance attacking his face. Later he tried to buy her a drink and was overheard asking Yung Ho what she thought his chances of taking the birthday girl home were. Douche-che-che-che.

epic bday.

Cockigami, or Why the Japanese are Fucking Crazy

There are certain times, usually during elections and such, when a person feels the swell of nationalistic pride upon their breast. Well today, my friends, was such a day. Behold, and be amazed by the wonder that is kokigami. In case his clever little disguise fooled you, that is in fact a penis as a, ahem, private dick. A cross between origami and kirigami, or cut paper art, with a healthy dose of what-the-fuck thrown in, apparently the Japanese have been fucking with this shit for a minute. Below is an 18th century ukiyo-e print featuring a very surprised looking gentleman who seems to be in quite a shock that his she-witch concubine opposite him has turned his goose neck into, well, a goose neck.
A book, called Kokigami: Performance Enhancing Adornments for the Adventurous Man has a whole slew of creative little get-ups for when he gets it up, such as my personal favorite, the Dragon. It also explains ways to get your partner into it, by way of call and response, while also convincing them of your total detachment from reality. Here's the one from the Dragon:

The Call: "Where are my precious jewels? My treasures? My trophies? Are they hidden there inside your dark cave"
The Reply: "Come on hot stuff! Careful the iron gates don't snap shut and sever your burning tongue!"
The Play: With arms outstretched and fingers curled like claws, move forwards warily with the knees bent. The hips may be flicked about spasmodically accompanied by the low seductive roar of a raging furnace.

Oh yeah, furnace toootally raging.

Photo Credits: www.kokigami.com

japanther hit richmond in full effect

So I was most certainly worried about the hundreds of people potentially destroying my store the other night but when Japanther comes to town you sort of have to take a deep breath and you get ready for an awesome night.

Totally Michael, Ninja Sonic, Japanther, Pinatas, DJ Teen Wolf, Baloons, Glow Sticks, Massive sweating, Danceatron.

Is it really a show if its not 100 degrees up front?

-Mason

Photos by staff photographer Slick Black.

check out her flickr!

Dudes Who Fell the Fuck Off: Val Kilmer

Poor, poor Val Kilmer. I understand how fucked up it is when papz catch you just having finished a whole pizza pie to yourself, quietly enjoying a Bud (Light), just trying to catch a moment of solace. WELL TOO BAD FATTY. Seriously, this is worse than Cary Elwes. You played Jim Morrison! You were the Iceman in Top Gun! Fuck it, you were Batman! How you gonna go from Batman to Fatman? Bruce Wayne to Bruce Plain? Apparently he's planning to run for senate, which it seems is the field you fall into when your acting career is pretty much deaded. Makes sense. Anyways, I'm being hard ol' Vally Kils cause I care. Seriously. You live in New Mexico. Cop your ass a tan. Grow a beard. Do something. It's 2009 for fucks sake, and if Obama can ask a nation for change, so can I ask you, Val Kilmer, please change. Its for the best.

From Deep In Our Box.

What does a former host of "The Man Show" know that the feminist blogosphere apparently does not?
That heterosexual women actually like to look at hot guys.

Late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel recently commented that women are actually more "hound-like" than men.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1BDzvf8lFQ

Kimmel was interviewing Jensen Ackles, a hot young actor whose female fans were screaming so excitedly that Kimmel threatened to hose them down.

It’s a sad day when a comedian who used to end his show with bikini-clad women jumping on trampolines knows more about female desire than allegedly "pro sex" feminist bloggers do.

I've been reading feminist blogs for years now, and I must say I'm rather disappointed. Puzzled, even. Reading sites like Bust.com, Bitchmagazine.org, Feministing, and even the more overtly sexual ones like Violet Blue, I'd swear the writers put feminists into 2 categories: horny lesbians and heterosexual women with no sex drive whatsoever who just want to talk about equal pay.

But wait! Feminist bloggers are publishing books like "Yes Means Yes" and compilations of female-written erotica!
Words. Yawn.

What's really tragic is that horny straight women like me ARE finding plenty of titillation these days in an unlikely place: the corporate media.

Hot, shirtless actors can be seen all over network television, and many of these same actors can be seen strutting their stuff in mainstream magazines. Heck, Smallville actor Justin Hartley can be seen shirtless in 3 (count them THREE!) corporate magazines this month alone. But you wouldn't know that from reading the "sex positive" feminist blogosphere.

Why, oh why, do the old white men who run Time Warner know more about what women want than feminist writers?

I don't know the answer. But I thought it was high time I lodged a complaint.

Sincerely,
Erika
SF


Editors Note: I wonder if she realizes I work for BUST. Erika I am not totally sure what you are saying you want here, but if you want to see shirtless dudes, we got 'em. if you want dicks, check. ass, balls, smiles, sticky spludge hands. we are bringing you all that in issue one of ligerbeat magazine, it's gonna be out the first week of March (I know we were aiming for V-day but its the first ish so please bear with us.) get ready to get wet ladies, adult swim!

Dicktropolis: Jeff Fucking Goldblum

So I was watching television the other day when an actor who I had previously thought had fallen off caught my eye. I learned at a young age that I had a strong attraction to nerds, geeks, fantasy heads and researchers. The first major boner in my life after Tesla was an actor playing a scientist in the great mind blowing Jurassic Park. Jeff Goldblum is one of my favorite things. Earth Girls are Easy is not only an amazing movie it also has a wonderful soundtrack. Jeff Goldblum is an original Furry. He's the perfect specimen for fornication. A smart ass, A bad boy .and best of all a hot Jew with a crooked penis.





I was more than excited when I saw that he was joining the cast of Law and Order. Way to go Jeff Goldblum. I can't wait to hear your one liners and imagine me riding that beautiful Jurassic dick of yours.




"Don't knock rationalization. Where would we be without it? I don't know anyone who'd get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex. Have you ever gone a week without a rationalization?" - from in the big chill

"Oh my God, are we higher
-from In Vibes

masonroselee
known pornographer

Furry Fandom: Put that costume on and shut up

New liger beat work uniform? I think yes.

Here at Ligerbeat, we like to keep abreast of all the new rising trends in the world of Sex and Pornography. As the resident geek at Ligerbeat, I have made it my goal to educate all of you out there on the new cutting trends in the world of real fantasy and sex. Those of you who are haters, close your troglodyte mouths and have an open mind about the world of FURRIES.

These are not the Furies I learned about In my Greek Mythology books.

These are a whole new evolution in man-made mythology. I first heard about Furries at a young age. I believe I was in high school at the time; MTV had a show called Real Sex that was quite ground breaking at the time. There was an episode where they interviewed several people who referred to themselves as furries. These kids reminded me of LARPers aka Live Action Role Players. The only difference was that my larper friends just had bad acne and behavioral problems, and these furry kids like to fuck in huge suits that you would most likely see at an amusement park. I watched with my jaw half dropped and thought. Hmmmm. It's not really my style (yet) but damn its interesting.



So here are some facts about the furry world. From the blogs, interviews and field research, it seems that these people are kind of awesome. Odd, completely humorous and without any shame. I give you 4 out of 5 boners, guys. I could see Liger having a great time partying with this crew.

From Wikipedia: "Furry fandom (also known as furrydom, furridom, fur fandom or furdom) refers to the fandom of fictional anthropomorphic animal characters with human personalities and characteristics. Examples of anthropomorphic attributes include exhibiting human intelligence and facial expressions, the ability to speak, walk on two legs, and wear clothes. Furry fandom is also used to refer to the community of artists, writers, role players and general fans of the furry art forms who gather on the net and at conventions.

Characters that morph between human and animal form are also considered by some to be part of the genre. Even certain superheroes with animal derived powers are considered of furry interest by some fans. Even characters like Josie and the Pussycats are considered of interest to furry fandom, though they only wear costumes with animal ears and tails."

Who would have thought that group of unsuspecting girls were flaunting their weird sex habits in front of children for years?

-masonrose
dickologist

Dudes Who Fell the Fuck Off: Noreaga

I just want to let it be known first and foremost that I totally heart N.O.R.E.--I mean, how could anyone not love someone whose name is a backronym for Niggaz On the Run Eatin, cuts coke with Goya, and rocks this chain:

That being said, dude has fallen the fuck off. Aside from the fact that he hasn't dropped a good album since 2002, he has also gone from flossin:

To tossin:

That's a whole lotta Superthug, y'all.

Show Me Your Genitals!

Jon Lajoie, we have similar life philosophies.

Except about penixes.

PS, we love you.

Ligerbuzz: the Craigslist Hater + Long Overdue Richmond Party Recap

Here at Ligerbeat, we welcome the haters.

Well, I mean, we don't run into 'em that often. For the most part, we have been overwhelmed in a major way by all of the love, hard dick, and bubblegum that our adoring fans have rained upon us like they was kells and we were a couple sixteen year old R&B groupies.

So when we heard some dickless e-thug was hating on craigslist of all places, we knew two things: 1) we must really be poppin off if we have our first he-man womanhater blowing the whistle on us; and 2), we had to investigate. Here is what we found:

LigerBeat cunts... - m4w - 24 (Camel)

Reply to: pers-1017374718@craigslist.org

Date: 2009-02-02, 10:15AM EST

"Dicks! Dicks! Dicks!" You expect us not to think yer all whores??? Fuck that shit. You are some dirty bitches. I feel bad for any guy that fucked one of you dirtbags lastnight.

Ligerbeat - w4m - 21 (Camel)

Reply to: pers-1017417697@craigslist.org

Date: 2009-02-02, 10:44AM EST

Did everyone get a clear free view of the chics ass in the red dress who was dry humping her boyfriend at the bar for about an hour..or whaat. She started to take her clothes of too...damns.

Ligerbeat LADIES. (Downtown)

Reply to: pers-1017475849@craigslist.org

Date: 2009-02-02, 11:20AM EST

"Blah blah, yer all whores." WAY to miss the point you fucking nerd.

So much respect for these ladies.

First of all, we are the Ligerbeat ladies. We get it how we live, hate us 'cause you ain't us. Just an educated guess: you showed up to our jam thinking getting your dick wet was a given, what with all the fine foxy wimmens flitting about in all of our dickloving glory. Unfortch, your game was straight garbage and your grillatin was busted to the utmost, so you went home alone and then cried about it on missed connections the next day. So sad.

Here's some more excellent photos of our evening, which involved an exorbitant group bar tab, shirtless manservant, mad martinis, dick cakes, and ludicrous levels of looseness on the dance flo. shouts to the camel for putting up with our dickery, the excellent dj's, and errybody who came through. Ligerbeat loves Richmond!

Dudes Who Fell the Fuck Off: D'angelo

You know when you see one of your exes, and they blew up like they ain't been doing shit but sitting on their asses, eating nothing but cheesesteaks and playing Halo since you broke up? (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Well, that's how I felt when I saw how D'angelo is looking these days. Now I have always had a little sum sum for this singer-songwriter, who's a b-list hometown hero back in Richmond, Virginia. Since his popularity during the neosoul heyday in the late nineties/early eights, D'angelo went half on a baby with the amazing Jill Scott, got knocked on the weed/DUI tip, caught a coke possession charge, then flipped himself out of an SUV upon contact with some farmer's fence in Powhatan. Oops.

This is how he looked before all that:

PSL's? Check.
Pretty brown eyes deeper than sound? Check.
Adorable dimples and sexy half-smile? Check.
The ill pelvic v-cuts? Check.

Shoulders and biceps that look like they were made for doing pushups all over my crotchal? Check.

That's right players, they grow 'em right in Southside. Well, sometimes.

And this is his mugshot after the car crash:

Now don't get me twisted, I'd still hit. Mama's never really mad at a little chub chub, and if the eyes and voice are still in tact, so is my crush. However, I think it's still reasonably safe to say that out-of-control neckbeard and sad, lost little thousand-mile stare put D'angelo squarely into dudes who fell the fuck off territory.

After returning from a stint at a baller rehab joint in Antigua, he's been getting his shit straight and working on his third studio album, tentatively titled james river and slated for release some time this year. Fingers crossed that he gets back on the grown and sexy path ASAP... all of us Ligerbeat ladies are pulling for your D, D!